Archive for the Category »Humour «
I don’t actually know. Is Christmas day the first one? Or in the middle? Is it the five gold ring day?
What I do know is that watching the video below will not answer any of my questions, but it makes me laugh so hard I get tears in my eyes, so I’ll settle for that.
Originally published on livejournal on July 9th, 2004
- No matter how hard you work, someone who works less will get better results.
- The stuff you pull out of your ass is going to be better received than the stuff you put your heart and soul into.
- Your scariest professor can suddenly turn out to be the same man that wrote the music to your favorite tv show from your childhood. This will mess with your head, but you won’t be any less scared of him.
- There aren’t enough things to look at on the internet when you’re supposed to be working.
- Whenever you think you thought of something clever, some book was always written two years ago that states the exact same thing that you just thought you came up with.
- You will not change the world.
- Graduate school is just another term for avoiding the real world for two more years.
- If your academic books are starting to make you giggle in public places because some statement in theory was amusing to you, there may be a small chance you’ve been a student for too long. That, or you should become a professor.
- A thesis is a bit like mount Everest. Only, a blown up kind that looks enormous at first but that deflates when you’re done climbing it.
- Whenever you think you’re getting somewhere on your thesis, your advisor will tell you to read five more books. These books will of course change everything and you need to rewrite 40 pages.
- You aren’t as smart as you once thought you were, and now there’s no limits to what you should know. It’s no one book per subject anymore with all the answers. But you keep wishing there was.
- Coffee is your best friend.
- If you’ve never pulled an all-nighter working on a paper that’s due in the next day, you’re either an overachiever or just don’t care enough to actually hand it in.
- Research never ends. You just stop doing it at one point because you have to finish up the project and move on to the next one.
- You are always wrong. Just you wait, someone else smarter than you are coming up right behind you and he’ll tear all your work to bits.
- A lunch break at university is quite a different thing to the rest of the world. As in two hours longer.
- Cutting class because you are too hung over to go is totally acceptable.
- It is impossible to concentrate for several hours on something related to your education. A game of the sims however, can last six hours and you don’t even notice.
- A masters degree in music is going to make you even less employable than the morons you went to school with that have no education at all. Not only that, they’ve now been employed for six years, have more experience, no student loans, higher wages and in general make more money than you ever will. Despite this, it’s worth it.
- If you can’t manage to get through the actual material but need a short, more easily accessible version of the text, chances are you don’t belong in university in the first place.
- It’s amazing how long very little money go when you force yourself to have no luxuries and no social life.
- It doesn’t matter how well you answer an exam question if you misunderstand actual question and are actually talking about the wrong thing.
- Student pubs are boring. They are more concerned with cheap alchohol than any form of style or image.
- Student festivals however are also concerned with cheap alcohol, but you may get a couple of cool gigs out of it too.
- Settling down is for when you’re out in the real world. You cannot go through student life without ending up at some random party, get drunk off your head and wake up the next day with someone who’s name you don’t
- It’s only grades. It doesn’t matter all that much in the long run. Life goes on.
- There’s a strong chance you’ll never get a job that’s related to your education. Don’t let that affect your choices, choose your subject out of interest and love rather than what’ll make you the most money.
Originally published on livejournal on June 5th, 2004
This is not supposed to be taken very seriously.
But a couple of things occurred to me today and it resulted in this silly little list.
This is based on general impressions and doesn’t really reflect on the guys I’ve dated. Ok? Ok.
What I have learnt after ten years of dating
- A ‘No’ that isn’t followed up with get off or I’ll kick you in the nuts will always be understood by a guy as a maybe, something that can change in five minutes.
- Breast size doesn’t really matter when it comes to sexual enjoyment. Thus there’s no need for breast implants, unless you’ve had a breast removed because of cancer.
- A guy will never care if you shave your legs if you’ve shaved somewhere else.
- If a guy attempts to skip the foreplay when you’ve just started dating – this is not a good sign. Run away as fast as you can.
- The older you get, the hairier you get. This goes for both genders.
- No matter what he may say – when a guy takes you home to meet his parents, that means you are his girlfriend. Noone takes a girl friend home to meet the parents. Especially not a girl friend he happens to be sleeping with.
- A ‘break’ in a relationship is an illusion. It’s denial. You’re either together, or you’re not.
- He may claim he’s not into it and it doesn’t really matter, but every guy alive wants anal sex.
- If two bisexual girls are friends, every guy around them will assume that they’ve had sex. Or that they will. And if they’re lucky, they can join.
- A guy who goes out with a bisexual girl will always *always* dream of a threesome. Especially if he’s told that’s never going to be on the cards.
- The difference between lust and repulsion isn’t that big.
- On that note – it’s easy to be both attracted and disgusted by a person simultaniously
- Guys are stupid. Girls are insane. Thus it doesn’t matter what gender you date, they’re both completely impossible to understand.
- No matter how much you love a guy, a hairy butt will never be nice to look at
- Boys and girls are equally slutty. It doesn’t matter what happened before you, unless there are diseases to consider dealing with.
- There is no such thing as the perfect guy. The minute you think he’s perfect he will stop calling and/or sleep with his ex.
- Guys will never learn to put the toilet seat down. Deal with it. Stop complaining about it.
- Take how obsessed you are with someone at the beginning at the relationship and multiply it by 100, that’s the amount of disgust you will at one point feel towards the very same person.
- Love is rare. If you find it, look after it well.
- No matter how much you love someone, they will always embarrass you by doing stupid things when they’re drunk
- A guy who has to be talked into putting on a condom is not relationship material.
- An otherwise perfect relationship can be completely destroyed by an argument over who’s turn it is to do the dishes/laundry/cleaning
- You never tell a guy that his predecessor was better in bed, even if it’s true.
- First impressions tend to be right. If he comes across as a pretentious wanker at first, chances are that’s what he really is.
- He isn’t going to change, you don’t know him like noone else did, you can’t cure him and bitch, please. Just let go.
- It’s not his new girlfriend who’s being paranoid, it’s you who’s being a bitch. Of course it works that way, he’s sleeping with her now and her rules go.
- The words “My period is late” will always freak a guy out a lot more than “I love you”.
- It IS indeed possible for a man not to want to have sex. It’s rare, but I assure you, it’s true!
Consider this a work in progress.