I need to echo this post by Sylvia regarding the Hope Witsell suicide and how we treat “sluts” in our society. Hope Witsell, a 13 year old girl, sent a phone picture of her naked breast to a guy she liked. It got spread across her school and neighbouring schools. She was punished by her school, her parents and ridiculed by her peers. She hanged herself in her room with a pink scarf.

Of course it wasn’t a slut-shaming, woman-hating, sex-hating culture that divides young women into “good” (virginal) and “bad” (fallen) and allowed a 13-year-old girl to believe that she had ruined her life forever by showing a boy her tits.

No, it was her “impetuous move” and somehow also the dangers of the INTERNET (even though the internet was not involved, except in that her internet access, probably one of her major sources of social support, was taken away by her “churchgoing family” as a punishment for an act that they had no goddamn fucking idea what it even was or what technology it used).

Huffington Post also has a very good article on this issue.

As the sad, sad story of Hope Witsell shows, there shouldn’t be any distinction made between those who deserve a bad reputation and those who don’t. No girl deserves to be called a “slut.” After all, when was the last time a sexually active boy was punished by his school or harassed by his peers? Dividing “sluts” into the innocent and guilty reinforces the idea that male sexuality is normal while female sexuality is deviant at worst, defiant at best. Look what happens when this thinking is taken to its extreme.

I couldn’t agree more. I myself was bullied badly at my school because I’d had the nerve to have a private discussion with a friend regarding masturbation, and admitted that I in fact had done it. I had guys shouting insults with regards to my sexuality after me on a daily basis for three years. I tried refusing to go to school but my mother wouldn’t allow it.

Was it stupid of me to trust another person with something so private? It would appear so. It didn’t even occurr to me that talking about masturbation would cause me years of grief and torment, and why would it? Thankfully, I was raised by a smart and supportive woman who told me that there was nothing wrong with me. What I had admitted to was a natural thing, and nothing to be ashamed of. I dread to think how I’d managed to get through those three years in that school if my mother had been a less open minded person.

I love you, mom.

A study “revealing” that Britain is a ‘culturally sexist’ country that has failed to accept that women are equal to men is making the rounds in the news today. This is not shocking news to say the least, especially when it comes to City workers. If you’re a woman in the city, you make less money in salary, and in bonus. And no wonder, because this is not a culture that’s at all geared towards the family.
Here, have a sample comment from the daily mail article.

I don’t see any evidnce in this article that the report quoted actually compared like with like. I.e. men & women in the same jobs with the same level of experience.
If anyone (man or woman) chooses to take a career break of 1 – 5 years, (whether it’s to have a child or sail round the world) they cannot expect to return to work on the same standing as their colleague who worked all that time.

If you go on maternity leave in Norway – you can. You are expected to come back, and jobs are frequently offered as short term to cover maternity leave. As far as I am aware (Norwegian friends with kids may correct me) – this is not considered a problem. Norway is geared more towards the family – people go to work early in the morning and leave before 5pm.

I grew up with a single mother who had to work really hard to care for two small kids and make a living. And yet we managed to have dinner at 5pm most days when I grew up. Me? I usually have dinner closer to 8pm these days as both the taller half and myself tend to come home after 6 or 7. That’s just how it is over here, it’s geared towards work, and it’s geared towards men – or rather, men who do not care to be an equal part of the family. What if the father could take a few months of paternity leave and the mother goes back to work? That is not only a good idea in Norway, it actually happens very frequently. Here in the UK, the idea in itself is just silly.

My friend pc put it really well recently. He works for a Norwegian company in the UK, and a conference call was planned between his company and the CFO at a large Norwegian group of some sort. It was scheduled for 4pm, but got cancelled at the last minute because the CFO had to go pick up his kids at day care. Can you even imagine this happening in the UK, with a CFO for a large business? I sure can’t. The wife would have to go, of course.

I resent that it’s expected of me to at one point be fine with having my career slip away from me, just because I’m a woman. If we want to have children, that’s how it’ll be. No matter how we decide to try to make it work, having kids will more drastically affect my life than the life of my boyfriend, whose life will not be expected to change that much, especially not when it comes to work.

I’ve heard companies boast about their work/life flexibility here in the UK, but it won’t help until society itself is friendly towards family and accept not only that women want to work, but that both the man and the woman are parents. I am offended on the behalf of the men I know who have kids and aren’t able to take a more active role in the lives of their kids due to work demands.

I know, I know. “You choose to work there”.  It’s a piss-poor excuse in my opinion. It’s too easy to say “that’s just the way it is”, when it’s been proven in other countries that it doesn’t have to be that way. I may not want to move back to Norway, but I can’t lie – life is better in Norway. Yes, it’s taxed to hell, but there’s a different attitude towards work and family. If I could change one thing in the UK to be more like Norway, this would be it. I want a society that is more flexible towards families with small children. I want a society where being a woman is fine. I want a society where I don’t have to wear a skirt and high heels in order to be seen as a professional.

But let’s look away from equality, or feminism, or whatever you want to call it and see this from another side, one that might work better for those who see maternity leave as a bad thing. As a society, we want children, don’t we? We want smart, professional and capable people to have children so that future generations can benefit from their good genes. We need to maintain the population. I don’t think punishing people for having children is the right way to go. Why not encourage people to have children, keep in touch during the maternity and paternity leave, and welcome them back with open arms at the end of the leave rather than not expect them to come back? Give both men and women the same amount of leave when a child is born. That’s not feminism – that’s equality. That’s what I want.

Forgive my ranting ways, but I am so frustrated with this particular issue because I am who I am – a 31 year old woman who wants a solid and long career more than anything but also might want to have children one day. And I do so resent that I might have to choose between the two, just because I’m born with the appropriate bits for carrying a growing seed. I didn’t ask to be born a woman, but here I am.

I welcome discussion on this issue but please keep comments civil and think before you press the comment button. This is an issue it’s easy to have strong gut reactions to, but I don’t find that sort of comment very useful or interesting.