I had a sort of breakthrough in understanding what the hell is going on today. Some sort of weird instinct had me google Symptoms of Stress. I’m going to bold the ones that fit, okay?

I’m sure a lot of you will go “Jo, of course you’re stressed. You are only now figuring this out?” But see, I thought I was stressed out, with a side of depression and anxiety.

So this is what actual real stress feels like. Can’t say I’m liking it. I have no patience for anything or anyone, I can’t relax, I can’t have fun, I can’t deal with any sort of confrontation or any negativity whatsoever. I need soft corners and teddies and jammies and perhaps a padded room of some sort. In general I’m a bit like this:

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So that’s your proceed with caution warning, because this is where I’m at. I’m drowning, and I’m torn between wanting everyone in the whole world to go away and leave me alone, and desperately wanting love, attention and acceptance. Mr Pharmacist is doing his best, he really is.

Guess how exposed I feel, writing this. Okay, I’ll tell you. I feel completely naked in front of the internets and my friends, for one purpose only – I have to tell you that I am not okay right now. I need help. I need support. And I need you all to be patient with me even if I’m not very much fun lately. If you can’t do that, then it’s probably better to keep your distance because I don’t feel like I have control over much of anything, least of all my out of the blue emotional reactions. This is an act of desperation – trying to tell you what’s wrong in a bid to not lose any more people I like to have around. There are those who have given up, who never call or try to engage me any more because I have so little energy and life to offer them. I completely get that, and I don’t hold a grudge against those people. But if you read this, which is only posted to my own domain, then chances are you might want to know all of this.

And what I’m doing now? I’m procrastinating by writing this post, when I should be writing Java for an assignment that’s due in about 12 hours, but that I really should finish in less than three if I want to get any decent sleep tonight. And I’m tired, internets. I wish you could understand how tired I am. And those emotional reactions I talked about may prompt me to delete or hide this post before I even go to bed, I don’t even know.

I’m taking it one day at a time. That’s all I can manage right now.